


Dick-tionary

by Tanaletheia



Series: Living With Your Secret Identity [4]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Batdad, Batfam bingo 2019, Bruce Wayne is a Good Parent, Crack, Crack Fic, Gen, Hijinks & Shenanigans, I'm sorry Bruce, Naming things, Tumblr: Batfam Bingo, batfam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-19
Updated: 2019-04-19
Packaged: 2020-01-16 14:26:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18523399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tanaletheia/pseuds/Tanaletheia
Summary: "Wait." Jason stood up and made a halting gesture with his hands. "This is all your fault?"Steph turned to Dick, too. "You named the Batmobile?"??Dick nodded."The Batarangs and the Batcomputer?" Jason asked.Again a nod.Cass moved her hand to encompass their whole surroundings. "Batcave?"Dick just shrugged. "I was eight. He had a theme. He needed to commit to it."or: The Batkids find a new way to entertain themselves. Bruce is not amused.





	Dick-tionary

**Author's Note:**

> For the Batfam Bingo 2019 "Crack Fic".  
> Not that you couldnt count any of my other fics under that title XD.

It had been a long day. A long week really. Bruce hadn't had a minute to himself this week. His children had started the whole thing to torture him, he was sure. He was exhausted. He had heard it all week long. There was no other way to explain this slip up. And even that excuse was wearing thin.

 

-

 

_7 days earlier. Saturday._

 

Patrol had dragged on into the early morning hours. On the way back to the cave Tim had even seen the beginnings of sunrise. Every crook in Gotham had decided to cause trouble tonight, or at least it seemed like that to the various vigilantes typing their reports on the Batcomputer in the Batcave. And they were not done yet. Jason and Tim had stopped this one particular drug deal, that had led them on the trail of an up and coming trafficker ring, that was looking to get a piece of Gotham.

Tim had swiped the leading thugs phone and had been decrypting it while Jason showered. Those morons should really invest in better cyber security. Not that Tim was going to tell them that. Tim got up to scrub the sweat and dirt of himself in the shower while Jason started to make sense of the shipping manifests and financial data Tim had uncovered on the phone. Jason's first hand experience on both sides of these operations usually meant that he found the important information the fastest out of all of them. Not that Tim couldn't have done it himself, but he was trying to share responsibility and stuff. People apparently thought he was stretching himself thin.

Didn't really matter, the shower felt amazing and Tim never wanted to leave ever again. …Maybe to get into his bed. Now that he thought about it, he hadn't slept last night.

When he finally got out from under the hot massaging spray of relaxation, Jason was waving him over to the Batcomputer. Back to work it was then. Jason immediately explained what he had gathered from the data, and he had found a lot. The next shipment would come in late at night in two days via the port and be guarded by about twenty people.

"So I'm thinking, we could take out the ships console and most of the guards from a distance, a very deliberate use of lots of Batman's Batarangs to scare the shit out of them. Really play up the myth for intimidation purposes." Jason was looking at the notes and diagrams he'd made while sifting through data. "Maybe have the Batbrat waiting in the bay with the Batsubmarine. That thing was too expensive to rot in the cave, what do you think Timbo?"

"Sounds good to me," Tim said leaning forward to peer at the notes. "Pass me the Batpad?"

Jason stopped.

He had had already started to slide the notepad towards Tim before Tim had finished speaking, so it was beyond him why Jason suddenly froze.

"Jason?"

Jason slowly swivelled in his chair to face Tim fully. Was he trying to supress a full body laugh or just shivering from the cold in the cave? "Timmy." Yeah. Definitely laughing. "What did you call my notepad just now?"

Tim furrowed his brows. "What do you mean? I just asked you to pass the-" Realisation hit Tim like a punch from Superman. He blushed a deep red and his voice rose in pitch and volume. Sadly alerting the rest of their family to his dilemma. "I didn't! No. I didn't mean- I wasn't- It was an accident!"

Jason really tried to reign himself in but when he saw Batman walking towards the Batcomputer, still wearing the Batsuit, with the Batcape, and his particular brand of concerned Batglare Jason lost it. His laughter echoed through the cave, ironically scaring the bats and making the whole Batfamily come towards them.

Tim's face turned a few shades darker. He bit his tongue before he made anything worse.

Bruce stopped beside his sons and crossed his arms. "What happened."

It wasn't a question, even if the growl had a lighter note to it than Batman usually did and the corner of his mouth twitched noticeably. At least noticeable enough for his children.

Jason was trying to keep enough air in his lungs to answer, which was harder than he'd thought. "Tim just- He just- He actually- I can't- breathe." Jason kept wheezing. All their siblings stood around them by now and looked confused between Jason and Tim.

Tim tried his best to ban the blood from his face. He knew it didn't help much but he needed the reassurance right now. "Nothing," he got out between clenched teeth with a fake smile he usually kept to his daytime persona. "Nothing happened at all. Jason is crazy. What else is new?" He shrugged.

It was meant to distract, but Jason just laughed harder and no one looked as if they had bought it. Alfred looked disapproving of his tactics and Tim could see where he was coming from. He looked at the ground and hugged his arms to himself, feeling chastised just with that one look.

Jason finally reigned himself in enough to wipe the tears from his eyes and take a few deep breaths. He straightened in his seat and turned towards the family. Steph was bouncing with anticipation, Dick and Cass looked curious and Damian tried to look bored or condescending but didn't manage at all.

"Tim just called my notepad _Batpad_." He immediately broke down laughing again.

It took the rest of the family a second to process but then Dick, Cass and Steph started laughing with Jason and even Damian couldn't pretend he wasn't smirking to accompany his scowl. Alfred's face twitched with a little smile, but Bruce looked at a loss for words.

"I don't see the problem."

The kids instantly quieted and turned to stare at their father.

"What?" Bruce asked.

Dick was the first to find his voice again. "You don't- Of course you don't. You let me name your car Batmobile."

"Wait." Jason stood up and made a halting gesture with his hands. "This is all your fault?"

Steph turned to Dick, too. "You named the Batmobile?"

Dick nodded.

"The Batarangs and the Batcomputer?" Jason asked.

Again a nod.

Cass moved her hand to encompass their whole surroundings. "Batcave?"

Dick just shrugged. "I was eight. He had a theme. He needed to commit to it."

"Wow. I'm glad you didn't get to name any pets." Tim raised both his eyebrows at Dick.

Jason turned to Tim. "You think it would have been worse than Batcow?"

Tim and Jason both ignored the indignant sound from Damian at the jab and moved on. "It could have ended up being 'B-dog', or even 'Dick-dog', if it was his and not Bruce's."

"Oh. My. God." Stephanie suddenly stood directly between Jason and Tim. "Do you think he called his backpack 'Dick-pack'?"

"Hey!" Dick tried to get between them. "I did not!"

"Of course he did. Still does, probably," Jason amended. "And he also has his Dick-bike and his Dick-phone now."

"Guys!" Dick tried to get his siblings to acknowledge him but he didn't stand a chance.

Bruce hurriedly shuffled Damian up the stairs before he could jump to his big brother's defense. Physically. Dick could stand up for himself just fine if he thought it was warranted. Right?

They joked around for a while until there was more yawning than talking in their conversation.

"As nice as this is guys," Steph yawned and stretched her arms behind her back. "The Steph-bed is waiting for me."

Tim looked at the time and pulled a face. "Sure, see you later at the Alfred-table?"

Cass looked at him confused.

"The dinner table."

Cass nodded. "Steph-bed?" She asked her friend.

Steph grinned. "Sure. We'll have a sleep over!" She turned towards the boys. "Anyone else in?"

She was met with shaking heads and eye rolls. Steph shrugged, linked her arm with Cass' and walked them out of the cave. The boys were following them, but going to their own rooms.

 

-

 

The first day the Batkids were just screwing around by renaming everything they talked about. But it had pretty quickly evolved into an all out sibling competition on who could make Bruce break. (Convincing Damian to join hadn't been an easy feat, but his need to be the best at everything served the rest of them well in persuading him.)

 

 

_4 days ago. Tuesday._

 

Steph knocked at the door to Bruce's study and walked in without waiting for an answer. "Bruce have you seen the Steph-keys?"

Bruce heaved a deep sigh and massaged his temples. "No, Stephanie. I haven't seen your keys." He shuffled his paperwork to the side, pulled his laptop closer to him and started to type.

Steph came closer and let her hand inch towards Bruce's briefcase. "But I'm sure I left them near the Bruce-case. They probably fell inside."

"Stephanie. I told you the last three times you came here in the last hour, that I already looked in my briefcase." Bruce pulled the case away from her wandering fingers before looking up at her. "I am sure Alfred put them on the key rack in the kitchen so you'd find them."

Stephanie stared blankly at Bruce. "Why the hell would I look on the Alf-rack?"

Another sigh. "Because it's where he puts all ownerless keys he finds in the house?"

"That's ridiculous."

 

 

_3 days ago. Wednesday._

 

"Bruce! Jason stole the Dami-phone and is getting away in the Bruce-mobile!" Dick shouted as he ran into Bruce's room to wake his father up.

Bruce looked up with bed tousled hair, pulling the blanket tighter around himself. "Which one?"

"The Maserati."

His favorite. If he hadn't been hiding Dick might have seen Bruce's eyebrow twitch and a vein popping up at his temple. As it was he just closed his eyes again. "Tell him to bring it back by Friday."

 

 

_2 days ago. Thursday._

 

They didn't usually have dinner together during the week. Tim, Dick and Bruce mostly had work that kept them occupied indefinitely and neither wanted the others to have to wait because they forgot the time. Steph had classwork to complete before patrol and Jason liked to be able to vary the time he spent with his family.

That was why Bruce had only expected Damian and Cass for dinner tonight, which was usually a quiet affair, and was pleasantly surprised to find all his children surrounding the dinner table.

In retrospect he should have known better than to think they just wanted to spend time with family.

Dick was currently trying to reach halfway across the table without getting up or falling into the food. It was a slow going process he had to abandon shortly after starting. Dick sighed and straightened back in his seat. "Pass me the Alfie-tatoes, please?"

Jason, who had been rolling his eyes at his big brother's antics, passed the bowl over Damian's head to Dick. "Here you go. Can I have some more of the Alfred-roast?"

Damian recoiled with a sneer. "Keep those Todd-hands away from me during dinner. They stink of cigarette smoke."

"So I can get them into the Dami-face after?" Jason asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

Damian looked at him unimpressed. "If you want the Damian-fist in the Todd-gut, sure."

"Boys," Bruce interjected. "No threats at the dinner table." He had closed his eyes and rubbed his temples, still trying to enjoy his kids company.

Tim watched his brothers' fight from across the table. "Am I glad I dont live in the Alfred-house anymore and get to go back to the Tim-appartement," he muttered quietly.

"Oh right," Steph turned to Tim. "I was gonna ask if you want to play Tim-station later?"

Tim pointed his fork at her in accusation. "You just wanna mooch the Tim-snacks again."

Steph's expression was full of pity. The other kids were grinning. "Honey. All the Tim-food in the Tim-place is disgusting and _way_ past consumable."

"And the Steph-food is any better?"

"No, that's why I go to the Jay-place for meals," Steph said with a smug look that earned an eye roll from Jason and laughter from everyone but Tim and Bruce.

 

 

_1 day ago. Friday._

 

Patrol used to be a meditative thing for Bruce. Swinging through the dark quiet night with nothing on his mind but the next grapple until he ran across someone in need of help.

Of course that had been more than a decade ago, before he developed a penchant for adopting wayward kids that refused to have him finish a single thought without interruption through his comm.

"Hey! Lay off the Hood-guns while I'm in the middle of the thugs!"

"It's not like I would hit you!"

"Robin! We don't use the Robin-blade on siblings!"

"Tt. You don't, I do, Nightwing. What are you- Let go of me, Nightwing!"

"Hugging Robin to restrain him is such a Dick-move."

Bruce loved his kids but sometimes the constant chatter was grating on his nerves.

 

 

_Today. Saturday._

He had counted five sentences last night, _just five_ , that didn't use what his children so affectionately called a "Dick-tionary". Bruce was exhausted. He had been on patrol until three in the morning and only returned to the cave then because Alfred was adamant he had to do this stupid morning talk show. Apparently Bruce had agreed to it. But he had still worked on his cases in the cave and kept listening to the comms until the kids had all signed off for the night.

At first the conversation with had centered around Wayne Enterprises and their new project for affordable living in Gotham, but as always the hostess, Cindy, steered the conversation towards Bruce's home life, or more specifically, his children. Their avoidance of the media drove the Gotham tabloids insane and often lead to some ridiculous speculations. Bruce had established his "Brucie Wayne" persona a long time ago and didn't mind picking up his kids slack a little by talking about them to the media. He had seen the way Tim could behave when he was sleep deprived, and the others were just as bad. At the galas Bruce could do damage control, but he'd rather be close by if Dick thought his recent arrest alongside Jason was a fun anecdote. So Bruce fed the media with _appropriate_ anecdotes, without weapons or broken laws.

Cindy leaned towards him to create a more intimate atmosphere between them. "Did anything happen recently that you can share? I promise, it stays between us." She had a playful smile on her face, maybe she thought if she made him comfortable, he would divulge something he didn't mean to on live television?

It didn't work but Bruce wasn't above letting her think that it did. He leaned in, too. "Let's see..." Bruce let a flirtatious grin appear. "Yes. Just two weeks ago Tim had been fixing his friend's laptop all night, so when he went to drop it of in Metropolis after brunch at the Manor he borrowed the first car he saw in the garage. Normally that wouldn't be a problem, but it was a family brunch and Tim didn't take one of my cars, he took the Dick-mobile. So when Dick was leaving and discovered it missing, he started tracking the GPS in the Tim-phone, not knowing that Damian and Stephanie had liberated it as a prank and were shipping it to the middle east." What was wrong with Cindy's surprised expression? That story was fairly tame wasn't it? Certainly not as bad as some of the things Bruce had done in his younger years. Anyway, he had started, now he had to finish the story. "Dick noticed when he followed the signal to the airport. He deemed it divine punishment for stealing his car and turned back around." Bruce was still looking in a confused hostess' face. He knit his eyebrows, she was supposed to ask questions, not let him monologue along. "Tim had to get a new phone."

Even after Bruce had stopped speaking Cindy just stared at him for a few seconds. Wasn't anyone in the crew telling her to continue via earpiece? Bruce glanced around the room and saw the same expression on every face. He focused on Cindy again when she finally found her voice again. He really wished she hadn't. " _Dick-mobile_?"

_Damn it._

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it!  
> Let me know how you think Bruce explained that away.... :D  
> (I actually typed most of the interview but it screwed up the pacing...)
> 
> Have a nice Easter if you celebrate that and if you don't (or read this later), have a nice weekend/week anyway!
> 
> Vistit me on [tumblr](https://batkidsaremadkids.tumblr.com)


End file.
